tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post5138157008365639722..comments2023-12-18T07:59:16.525-05:00Comments on Hats and Rabbits: 'Til Hair Do Us PartChris Matarazzohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17885109959459471509noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-50596845399760214552013-09-24T12:43:16.177-04:002013-09-24T12:43:16.177-04:00I suppose the shame of it is that it came down to ...I suppose the shame of it is that it came down to a haircut and a woman on this particular occasion. I wish I had seen a guy say "my wife is a pain in the ass" because then I could have called him out for going against his wife in public and then I could have criticized his buddies for applauding him. (But, I suppose that's why they came up with the intentional fallacy.)Going to write a follow-up to this piece for next time... The sad part is that married guys get fat and ugly and everyone thinks it is okay. Women do this (and this is the double standard you are pointing out and that I completely agree with) and they are judged for it; thereby yielding the applause of those nurses... It is such an excepted double-standard that your typical couple in a commercial consists of a chubby husband with a "hot" wife. (I suppose this is also a psychological appeal to the average dude...but, there it is...)Chris Matarazzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17885109959459471509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-6754797452117612272013-09-24T09:11:51.786-04:002013-09-24T09:11:51.786-04:00Chris, I agree it's not an ideal way to talk a...Chris, I agree it's not an ideal way to talk about one's spouse. I'm just pointing out that for women, issues of appearance or personal grooming come with a lot of baggage, baggage that men generally don't have to deal with, and may not even see (because they don't have to deal with it). And that is probably why the other women applauded her "decision to go against her husband's preference" -- because they have to carry that baggage too.<br /><br />I've been trying to avoid the S word here because I don't want to look like I'm calling you out for it, but maybe I should put it on the table explicitly: sexism. I know you aren't that guy. But there are a lot of guys out there who do regard it as a woman's duty to provide them with something pretty to look at, and because of the way gender roles and power/influence are stuctured in our society, they believe their preferences carry weight. The chorus of nurses applaud because this paramedic has made a (perhaps clumsy) statement of her own identity, rather than existing as an extension of her husband's will.<br /><br />So obviously we don't know what was going on with your paramedic, her husband, and her woolly-moustached colleague, and perhaps she really was being unfair to him. Maybe Woolly Moustache comments on her appearance all the time and she's sick of him, but deflected it back to her husband as a way of avoiding a direct confrontation with a co-worker. Which, again, not ideal, and I'm not defending it. I'm just pointing out that there are many more issues beyond "not knowing how to commit to a life-partner" swirling around here, and without knowing the specifics, I'm inclined to cut the woman some slack.<br /><br />I could also point out that this is a lot of meaning to place on one woman's haircut. *grins*'norahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04673994227824410949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-43412887668654322512013-09-24T08:31:45.169-04:002013-09-24T08:31:45.169-04:00In a way, 'nora, I didn't see this as so m...In a way, 'nora, I didn't see this as so much a gender relations issue. It is a really matter of not being a good friend. Of course, I did talk about the "teaming-up" of the women, so, I can't complain that the discussion happened. But, whether it is a result of my flaws as a writer or not, I really see this whole thing as people not knowing how to (at least in one way) commit to a life-partner. I do think little things like this matter, especially over time, and that they can be symptomatic of "issues". (Clearly, I'm okay with commenting on marriages that are not my own...alas...) I know I don't talk about my wife like that to others -- I wouldn't criticize her in even the smallest way to my friends or to anyone else. It is not just bad form, it is potentially damging. At least, I think so. <br /><br />Chris Matarazzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17885109959459471509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-71437268977518696622013-09-24T08:22:03.798-04:002013-09-24T08:22:03.798-04:00Well, George, I agree with you up until the first ...Well, George, I agree with you up until the first period. Though I do, I think, agree with part of your notion: we can't think she is necessarily aware of what she is doing; she might well be aping sitcoms. Still, I would argue that this sort of thing sets corrosion in motion. Close analysis for her? Maybe not. But for the impact on marriage? I think it matters. Chris Matarazzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17885109959459471509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-49548599482798962202013-09-23T22:33:12.474-04:002013-09-23T22:33:12.474-04:00George, I might also suggest that the difference b...George, I might also suggest that the difference between your wife's objection to a mullet and the paramedic's husband's preference for long hair has to do with the way gender relations tend to work in this world. Men are more usually valued for what they do, but women's worth is too frequently tied to how they look. The male gaze is in fact a thing, and women learn very early that there are risks to not performing for it.<br /><br />That doesn't of course address the specifics of the paramedic's marriage and whether she was being fair to her husband, nor can it. (I make a point of not commenting on marriages that aren't my own). But I don't think you can discount the issue when looking at the incident as Chris recounts it.<br /><br />'norahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04673994227824410949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-8168504923359447932013-09-23T21:00:46.259-04:002013-09-23T21:00:46.259-04:00Dern those woolly mustached guys. Fair points, all...Dern those woolly mustached guys. Fair points, all, 'nora. I would like to emphasize that I did mention that guys do this, too. I think I was more focused on the publicizing of marital conflict than on the woman's particular situation, even if it didn't come off that way. The guys can be just as bad or worse when it comes to this sort of thing. Chris Matarazzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17885109959459471509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-51263147880886121452013-09-23T20:57:56.619-04:002013-09-23T20:57:56.619-04:00I guess I am more apt to understand her objection ...I guess I am more apt to understand her objection to the guy's comment than her immediate statement about her husbands preferences, but I see your point.Chris Matarazzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17885109959459471509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-31606553638274907952013-09-23T20:34:07.734-04:002013-09-23T20:34:07.734-04:00To me it sounds like garden-variety banter, perhap...To me it sounds like garden-variety banter, perhaps learned from sitcoms or reinforced by them. Close analysis may not be called for.Georgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14819154529261482038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-28773906922515568272013-09-23T20:29:13.397-04:002013-09-23T20:29:13.397-04:00Quite. But I know that my wife has strongly object...Quite. But I know that my wife has strongly objected to my trying to grow a beard or mustache. I suspect that she would regard a mullet--which I haven't the hair for these days--as grounds for divorce. I could regard that as controlling, or I could just shrug, shave, and let it ride.Georgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14819154529261482038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-70517031935471502872013-09-23T18:55:34.137-04:002013-09-23T18:55:34.137-04:00I might suggest, in the woman's defence, that ...I might suggest, in the woman's defence, that women are often expected to be decorative -- that is, to present appearances that are pleasing to others -- and that expectation is often expressed by their husbands as much as the rest of the world.<br /><br />And yes, of course, in an ideal world, a good husband wouldn't make a big deal of it, and therefore the woman herself wouldn't make a big deal of it, but then, in an ideal world I'd have a housekeeping staff and a pony, too.<br /><br />I've been asked on a couple of occasions what my husband thinks of things as seemingly simple as my hairstyle or manicure, or had men with no particular relationship to me tell me what they think of my personal appearance. I'm blessed in that my husband isn't a controlling jerk, But I know other women who are married to men who do think they have a say in in their wives' appearance. <br /><br />So I'm sympathetic to your paramedic. I can easily imagine her husband expressing that attitude with complaints about how he liked her hair better long, or that it looked better long, and now, in addition to being fed up with her long hair, she's also fed up with her mate's sense of entitlement about her appearance. All it takes is one guy with a woolly moustache to remark on her new coiffure for her to make a defensive remark.<br /><br />'norahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04673994227824410949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6693471143220681808.post-87561888408290701292013-09-23T11:54:11.424-04:002013-09-23T11:54:11.424-04:00Couldn't agree more Chris. It seems that we a...Couldn't agree more Chris. It seems that we as a society applaud bad behavior as a whole. Had she taken that high road, you would have had to write about something else this morning :-) Sadly your post also speaks to our collective inability to let a simple comment go at face value & always look for the cheep shot we presume someone is taking. She immediately assumed she was being criticized for something that was nothing more than a gentleman taking note of a change she made. Is she that insecure that she needs constant reassurance and approval? She just, across the board, seems like a sad individual to me.Imthemomsterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02299458187413662133noreply@blogger.com