Chris's List of Time-Saving Internet Revelations

What if I told you that I could cut down your Internet reading time by two-thirds? What if I said that most of the stuff you read online is just the same present in a different package? Well, friends, with my handy-dandy list of facts gleaned from the Interwebs, you can ignore, statistically, 80% of the articles your friends post on social media and still have all of the info, therein, safely tucked into your greedy little (or, as you will see, arguably, gigantic)brain.

Yes, that's right -- all of the knowledge for a fraction of the time-investment. 

How much would you pay for this kind of efficiency and convenience? $20? $30? $50? Five-thousand dollars? 

Well, for an unlimited time only, I am offering this precious information for the incredibly low price of "free." That's right, friend, you heard correctly. Free. Below is the summation of all of the information from all of the social media shares that exist on the Internet. 

Imagine, getting your life back. Imagine not having to get fired up by clickbait or feeling the obligation to share everything you read as if you are imparting knowledge of any kind. Simply share this one list of Internet facts and you are off the hook for at least the next fifty years. 

Are you ready? Are you super-dooper ready? Okay, here it is. All of the wisdom of social media sharing in one list of (as far as you know, because you are not, let's face it, going to look any of this up) proven (yes, "proven") facts and discoveries. With out further ado (whatever the hell "ado" is in that context) I give you: 

Chris's List of Time-Saving Internet Revelations 

(or CLOTSIR, if you are really pressed for time)

Fact, the First: 

Every bad and anti-social habit you have is an indication that you are smarter than everyone else. 

Are you a slob? Disorganized? Do you curse like a sailor with a hangnail that has been pierced by a toothpick that's been dipped in whiskey? Do you manifest your total disregard for the people around you by being self-centeredly late for every single appointment and appointed meeting time with friends? Neurotic? Bad grooming habits that cause you  to leave memories of low tide at the North Jersey shore behind as you leave every room? Don't worry! You are just more intelligent than everyone else! If it's broke, don't fix it, my friend. You are better than those who pull themselves together and regard others and themselves with a modicum of respect. Don't go changin' to try to please us common folk. 

Fact the Second: 

Science excuses you from all responsibility in your interactions with others.

Yes, that's right. Rest easy, you arrogant, egotistical, selfish bastard. You have a condition. Do you punch your little sister in the face for chewing her cereal too loudly? Relax. She had it coming; or, at least, she should forgive you because you have "misophonia." How can you possibly be expected to be nice to people who are forced to eat in proximity to you? There is a whole litany of responsibility-canceling debilitations out there, so take advantage!

Fact, the Second and a Half: 

It is not a flaw, it's a condition!

Can't play the guitar even though you have been taking lessons for 32 years? Used to be you had to worry that you had no talent. No longer! There's a condition for that: amusia. It's not your fault and, strictly speaking, it is not a flaw or lack of talent. It is a condition! Whatever you  may not be good at, trust me...if you didn't have that condition, you'd be shredding "Eruption," as we speak.

Fact, the Third:

You are one of the only people on earth who can get 10 out of 10 questions right on most quizzes.

If being a sloppy, lazy, foul-mouthed disorganized ne'er-do-well isn't enough to convince you you are a genius, just take one of those impossibly (and, in no-way tied to getting information about your Facebook account) quizzes to prove it! (Helpful hint: Don't doubt yourself. No, those questions were not comically easy. Not for everyone, that is. For a genius like you, however...) Don't forget to share how brilliant you are, even if you are not smart enough to know that sharing your Facebook info means revealing your deepest darkest Internet secrets to some insidious information gathering system that will be used later when the New World Order of Binary Human Control takes shape...

Fact, the Fourth: 

The less work you  do as a parent, the better your kids will turn out. 

While this may be true for idiots, we need to keep in mind, that no one is an idiot, as is evidenced by the facts above. Therefore, since each and every one of us is a genius, it is important to remember that we all worry too much and do too much for our kids. We need to stop trying to be great parents because it just causes us too much stress. High standards for raising human beings is so 1985; it's such a mood-killer. The solution? Readjust and reevaluate our involvement our kids' lives? No. No time for that. This calls for a "one-eighty." Instead of balancing and stepping back, we should just let the little devils crash and burn. After all, we didn't wear seat belts when we were kids and we lived...

Fact, the Fifth:

Whether or not you had a wonderful childhood is directly connected to the memory of certain key details. 

No, I don't mean this in some hokey metaphysical or deep psychological way. I mean, if you can remember having a Hong Kong Fooey lunchbox; if you had a banana seat on your bike; if you remember listening to the radio for your school's winter-closing number, you had a happy childhood. Never mind that Mr. Budgenick, next door, used to lure you into his basement with Doritos, sit disturbingly close to you on the love seat and watch reruns of "CHiPs" (all the while muttering breathy phonemes about Eric Estrada's uniform pants under his breath while shifting uncomfortably around in his seat) and tell you not to tell anyone. If you can remember rotary phones and Nikes with the red swoosh, you were a happy kid! No fuss, no muss!

Fact, the Sixth:

Something horrible happened...

...but, why read about it? It happened. Are you that dark? Is reading about it time well-spent? No! Move on. I have provided all the info you need.

Fact, the Seventh: 

She showed up at the swim party with no bathing suit; what she did next will (not) blow your mind. 

Really. It won't. She probably borrowed one. You time is more precious than this, my friends. (And, seriously, have some dignity.)

Fact, the Eighth:

There is a superfood for that. 

Just pick one. Bananas? Whatever. Pick one and will it to work. Your chances are excellent that you can cure a disease that is developing in you or that you will lose 700 pounds within a week. Don't bother with research. Just eat something with an exotic name -- like "acapotetia" -- to the exclusion of all else, and your problems are over. Better still, blend it up in a blender shaped like an egg (with some spinach) and drink it. That simple act, and an exercise routine, six days a week, will cure you right up.

Fact, the Ninth: 

You  are going to die of a horrible disease that is cropping up in your area of the country this season.

Well, to be fair, not if you eat chia seeds. Never mind.

Fact, the Tenth:

You are right. 

Just be confident. After all, you are a proven genius, no? Just rest assured, without investing the time and effort of searching for or reading articles to confirm your biases. Let it suffice to say that there is one out there. You, my friend, are right. Conservatives? Evil. Liberals? Evil. Police? Evil. Police? Good. The Interwebs are like an enchanted bag that produces the object of your wishes. You wanna be right? Voila!

...and there you have it. In a short, fifteen-minute reading session you have gained all the knowledge there is to gain from social media article sharing. Now, you can go spend time with your kids. Wait...no. Not that. Let the little spineless slobs suffer the consequences of their actions. Do something for you, because, whoever you are, your selfishness means you are really intelligent.

Why It Was Better When Women Stayed Home

Okay, okay...I am guilty of my first "clickbait" post title.

Let me explain:

About ten years ago, I found an article that had reputedly come from an old home economics book from the nineteen-fifties. In it, women were instructed to basically be servants to their poor, hard-working husbands. (Snopes.com, today, says the article is unverified...may or may not be real. Some accounts say it was from Good Housekeeping; the image below says Housekeeping Monthly.) I brought the article into a college class I was teaching at the time to use as a writing "warm-up" topic...

The discussion that came out of this was interesting and most unexpected. One young woman raised her hand and said that, while, of course, the condescending language and ideas in the piece were absurd, the idea of the "homemaker" was not a bad one. She pointed out that, with all the work to be done, one person taking care of the domicile while one went out and made the money was, actually, an ideal situation; very efficient and practical. She also said that it was not absurd, then, for the woman to be expected to make dinner and do all other home-related jobs.

This lead to a more controlled discussion than you might think.

The conclusion was one that, from a modern perspective, lead to the class more or less agreeing that it made sense for someone to take care of the house and someone to bring in the dough. Of course, the respective "someone" does not have to be either the man or the woman by default. Today, we do see increasing numbers of men staying home while the women work...

What I think is that the old setup was, indeed, better. Not because the woman stayed home but because someone did. A house is a big responsibility. It is logical to run things that way.

Now that we have (almost) gotten over the idea that the man has to be the worker and the woman has to be the housewife, maybe we should go back to the "homemaker" concept as a goal. If one person makes enough money, be it the man or the woman, the other really should stay home. It makes sense. It is (was), I think, a better way to run a household.

But we would need get over two difficult hurdles: greed and stereotype. Are we capable of deciding when we are making enough money to give up an income? Can we escape the old gender job-assignments? Some of us can, but maybe anyone who has the means should try. I know that if I started to list the benefits of the worker/homemaker model, this piece would run much, much longer.

The Self-Importance Furnace

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts, lately. Most of them are about music and music production.

If I were the scientific type, I would calculate seconds and figure out exactly how much time is wasted in "deference." But maybe you will take my word that it is "a whole lot."

At first, I was vaguely aware of it, but, now, it has become the proverbial sore thumb. I started listening to other podcasts, just to see if it was something particular to music people, but, alas, no. Let me explain before I get even more annoying:

Does anyone have the backbone just to actually assert his or her opinion about something? I swear that every single time a person on the podcasts I listen to explains how he or she prefers to do something, they make sure to mention -- as if it is a boilerplate requirment --  that it is "perfectly fine" to do it another way; that other ways work; that the person is not saying not to do it another way...

In the meantime, valuable seconds of a half-hour podcast are wasted. Again, maybe someday I will calculate.

At the same time that this shows a lack of backbone -- a kind of empty stab at sensitivity -- it also shows deep egotism. Do they think that because they like to write music on the computer and not at the piano or on the guitar, that I am going get all nervous and change my way of working? -- that I am going to be ashamed that I am not doing it the way do and change my work methods? Do they think I need to be coddled and comforted? Well, I do not...nor does anyone else.

To use the popular phrase, we need to "get over ourselves." How important we all think we are? But what did we expect to happen when we handed the general populace 24-hour cameras and social media accounts and the ability to share themselves with the world before they even brush their teeth in the morning? -- before we created photo-filters that make a family trip to the beach (which really entailed six back-seat fist-fights, numerous greenhead fly bites, endless child whinings, numerous parent meltdowns and wet sand in the balogna sandwich...) look like a gauzy, film-scored quest into Faerie? When we are able to represent ourselves as perfect in bytes of sound and image, we start to believe in our own sleight of hand; we actually start to think we are special.

We really are not. And we are allowed to have opinions because those opinions don't have the weight our egos assign them.

Once, after a Phillies game I went to with my uncle (when I was a kid), I said, "Man. Every time I go to a game the Phillies lose." He responded: "What makes you think you are that important?" A wonderful lesson.

Yeah, I know it is a modern cliche, but...we really need to get over ourselves.

So, please, podcast celebrities, stop wasting my time and stop feeding your self-importance furnace by reassuring me that I don't have to do what you say. That's a given, trust me.

Why Biting Your Children and Offering them Cigarettes Can Be a Good Idea

Dan: I can't kill him! [Lord Lambourne] brought me up! Just like a father.
Yellowbeard: Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?
Lord Lambourn: Yes...
Dan: No!
Lord Lambourn: No.
Dan: He's been kind and gentle.
Yellowbeard: What kind of a father is that? Kill him!

 -- Yellowbeard, 1983

Being an effective parent is a matter of perspective, really. I am reminded of the absurdly comical scene above by memories of my mother, who both bit me and offered me a cigarette before I was ten. It was, in both cases, "good parenting."

The first scenario was simple. I bit her. She bit me back. I never bit her again. Years later, my son slapped me. I slapped him back. He never did it again. Was it wrong for us to do these things to our kids? Isn't hitting wrong? (For the record, I never, not once, hit my kids as discipline, outside of that scenario.)

As did many people of her generation, my mom smoked. She knew it was not good for her, but at the time she started, as a teenager in the fifties, word was not that strong, regarding smoking. She started and she was addicted... When I was little, I asked her what it was like to smoke. She said, "Wanna find out?" and offered me her cigarette, instructing me to "breathe  in deeply."

I nearly coughed myself into a seizure. I never touched a cigarette again. (She quit, a few years later -- "cold turkey" [what the hell does that really mean, anyway?] -- when I came home from school after a lesson on the dangers of smoking and begged her to stop.)

In the age of judgmentalism and public shaming, we set inflexible rules. We watch each other. What if a neighbor walked past my house today and looked in the window and saw me offering a cigarette to my eight year old son? -- or if I were walking home after picking my eight-year-old son at school and I employed my mom's perfect technique? Someone would call the division of family services and I would be in danger of losing my kids.

Dangerous times... Big Brother is not watching... We all are watching each other, fingers hovering over various buttons...

Flies on the Steering Wheel

Like the fly on the wheel who says

"What a lot of dust we’re raising"

Are you under the illusion

That you’re part of this scheme?

- Neil Peart, "The Stars Look Down."

We have been duped by the doors that modern technology has opened into thinking we have way more power than we do. The new "opiate of the masses" is the impression that because we can, say, write a blog or post about social issues on social media, that we can "make a difference." We are all scuttling around -- all of us writers and socially conscious tweeters and Facebookers -- dumping our energy into the garbage bin. We click "post" and we feel as if we have contributed to the well-being of humankind, for the day. 

We have not. It is a drug. It lulls us into not acting in the way we should to help our fellow humans. It is a distraction; it is what we are doing while real opportunites for doing some thing meaningful are slipping away.

I recently wasted a large portion of intellectual and emotional energy on a Facebook discussion about a political issue. As I was wrapped up in it, I stopped and asked myself: Why am I doing this? Why am I investing time and emotional energy into this discussion? What's the payoff? The truth is, I was participating because I am Peart's fly arguing with some other flies. In point of fact, the only measurable results I have seen come out of conversations like this have been ruined relationships. I know tey say you shouldn't say this, but, "Never again."

Even this blog -- I love to write it. (I sounded like Donald Trump just there...ha!)  I have some excellent, consistent, intelligent followers. I have made some very cool "friends" through blogging; friends from many parts of the world. I appreciate that very much. But I have, long ago, dropped the illusion that what I say here has any impact beyond earning head-nods from those who would probably agree with me, anyway -- which is why they come back, really.

This is not to say that a conversation and a kicking around of the finer points of a topic are not useful. It is a worthwhile activity. But it is arrogant to think most of this is anything more than just a water-pistol squirt into the ocean. 

I recently saw a quote attributed to Mother Theresa:

"If you want to change the world, go home and love your family."

I have been saying things similar to this for around six years now, on this very site. We need to stop being sucked into meaningless "dialogue-ing" on social media and look to our neighborhoods, our children and our friends. That is where we can make a difference. We can make a difference by volunteering locally, by becoming teachers and couselors, but not by sharing memes and getting into scraps with people over Trump's administration.

We are, indeed (and I have been there, too), all that fly on Peart's steering wheel in the opening quotation. This sets the perfect stage; we think we are contributing to change, so that those who would take advantage of us can use the time to plot. At the risk of overdoing metaphors, the dogs have been thrown a steak (the Internet) and we canine fools hunch down and blissfully devour as life goes on outside.

Sure, I will keep writing what I think, but not because I believe I am in control of the wheel -- because I am the sort who has to express his ideas and because I hope to raise interesting questions that might -- just might -- contribute to something positive.