Finally! Ready-Made Posts for Social Media Users!

The way I see it, there are lots of wasted words out here in Internet Land, especially on Facebook and on Twitter. We must fix this. We haven't time to cobble together so many posts -- to say so many similar things in so many different ways. To this end, I have created this handy-dandy list of copy and paste-able posts. Instead of posting what you were thinking of posting, ask yourself: "Am I really just saying one of these things?" If so, simply copy and past from the list below! It will save you time; it will save me time and it will allow you to get quickly back to the truly important pursuits in your life.

I present to you THE GREAT, BIG LIST OF EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA POST EVER MADE. (Please feel free to suggest new ones if I have missed any. Together, we can end unnecessary word-waste!)

Without further ado, THE GREAT, BIG LIST OF EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA POST EVER MADE:

1. I look good, here.

2. I have a sandwich and you don’t.

3. I'm watching the game alone. 

4. Look how exciting my life is. (It's always like this, in case you wondered. Every minute.)

5. Aren’t I sweet?

6. Reposting this meme will actually, literally cure disease/save your soul/make you not an ass/prove you are a good friend.

7. If you don’t share this, you are a horrible person.

8. If you don't share this, God will hate you. 

9. I am a great parent, as you can see from this picture/anecdote.

10a. Thanks, Obama.

10b. Thanks, Obama!

11. I am racist and don’t realize it.

12. I am racist and I don’t care.

13. See how socially tolerant I am? You may begin praising me, below. 

14. Please, please, please ask me what’s wrong.

15. Ready, set...ARGUE!

16. I have no respect for my own children/husband/wife/mother/father.

17. Here's something about me no one in their right mind would want to know and that they wouldn't ever have known if someone hadn't invented social media and, consequently, the concept of privacy hadn't reached a state of complete collapse. 

18. Somehow, I have equated patriotism with never questioning anything “American,” even though countless people suffered and died for the right to do so. So, shut up or get out. 

19. My thoughts on this subject are (Fox News).

20. My thoughts on this subject are (The Daily Show).

21. So, what do you love about me? 

22. I have nothing to say, yet I must speak...because...Facebook. 

23. I must horribly argue about complex issues...because...Twitter.

24. Here is a meme that exhibits how misunderstood/quirky/unique/sassy I am.

25. I can't sleep and I want you to know because artsy people and geniuses have insomnia and that's me. 

I mean, if you have something original to say, go ahead and say it, but, really...why bother?

Profiling Ourselves

I don't know about you, but I tend to agonize over profile pictures. The only place I really have to worry about it is on Facebook -- and here, I guess. Once I find one I am willing to use, I usually leave it there for a long time. I just think the whole process of choosing one is so weird. The reason for the choice can only be based in some kind of vanity, when you think about it. Sadly, vanity is the order of the day in the social media age.

My profile picture on this site (under "about") is one I had my wife take when I needed one for When Falls the Coliseum. I thought I would steal from Ray Bradbury, who had an author picture with his cat. I liked that having a pet in the picture took the emphasis off of "me-ness." And I guess I also liked that is said something about him: "I like my cat." Well, I like my dog and she serves to take the attention off of me a little, to, so I used that pic. (For the home page, I use the rabbit. I think of him as more of a symbol than a profile, though -- my goal: finding the rabbit under the hat.)

Egocentric Sharing: Facebook and "Me"

My friend Ted's profile pic.

Facebook is kind of a paradox, if you think about it. It is a "sharing" site -- one that exists to promote "community" among online friends. That's why it should seem strange that it promotes a certain amount of ego-centrism. I'm not exempt from this; I don't think any Facebook user is. Some, however, are over the top.

This "sharing community," as I am sure I have mentioned, makes some of us automatically pretend to be movie stars. I won't get into it, but we've all seen the poses on the profile pics. It's embarrassing. (There is a rebellion against this with people who refuse to post pictures of themselves -- I do get that, but it also makes it harder for people to identify you as the same James Smith they knew in the seventh grade...)

Do You Like Liking Like?

Finally, there's a way for me to validate my love for my wife; to immortalize it for the ages. Finally, loving commitment is legitimized in a world that encourages promiscuity and immoral canoodling. I saw it today while I was on Facebook: Click "Like" if you love your wife.

Thank you Facebook -- NAY! Thank you Powers of the Universe! How, in the name of all that is holy, was I ever to have shared my love with the world before this?

One can "like" lots of things, you know. God, for instance. (And, Lo! Jehovah smiled upon Ted for clicking "like" and He gathered Ted unto his side.) Or music. (An exclusive group.) Or baseball. One can "like" loving one's children, too. What kind of a bastard would you be if you didn't "like" that?

"This is what I like and I want the electronic world to know it," we can now scream from the top of Mount Digitalis!

Blinding the Watchers

Okay, I'm drawing the line. I will not purchase an E-reader, ever. Don't buy me one for Christmas, either. Please.

I know what you are thinking: Here goes another technophobic moron who can't accept change. I'm not afraid of technology. In fact, I embrace it in many aspects of my life, from music to the workplace to -- well, blogging. No, it's not the technology I'm afraid of, it's people and their potential uses of such power.

I am also petrified by the ongoing loss of privacy in our world. Worse than losing privacy, we are losing our fear of losing it. Privacy is starting to not matter, especially to young people, based on my observations. Because of this, we do nothing to prevent its theft, and then we get upset when someone gathers info that we don't want him to have.

So, don't fear technology, fear the way it allows you to become, as old Bilbo says, in The Lord of the Rings, (although with a different slant) "like butter spread over too much bread." Elements of your identity are being spread all over the Internet. Are you controlling them? Do you care? Do you care, but too late?

Things to consider not doing: