Dear Albrecht VIII

Albrecht Soothspitz, b. 1347

He has returned! That master sayer-of-sooth; that sculptor of philosophical fantasticness; the man with the inside scoop on all things social, internal and think-aboutable: Albrecht. I know it has been awhile, but you wouldn't believe how hard it is to convince Homeland Security that the guy living in the woods behind your house is really a philosopher from the fourteenth century. They wanted to "send him back." Needless to say, that is a pretty tall order. So after much negotiating, phone-calling and the painting of a few sweaty governmental palms, old Albrecht now is an official American citizen. This, of course, has sent him on a binge of American gluttony. I have never seen a human being devour so many hot dogs in my life. And now he's into  football, so we had to get him a satellite dish for his hovel. Dude never leaves the woods now, and getting him to answer your letters has been tough...but, here is the next installment for which the world has waited...
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Dear Albrecht:

My friend Alice has the biggest butt I have ever seen. She's like an upside-down mushroom with legs. I almost expect her hips to go "ding-dong" when she walks. I swear the tides get stronger when she is at the beach. Just plain massive. A pair of white pants on her, some popcorn and a projector, and we could open up a drive-in movie theater. I can't even have her out in the garden for tea because the prolonged butt-clipse she causes withers my daylilies. In short, she could rent herself out to movie companies as a cushion for stuntmen who have to jump out of buildings.

The problem is that she has been wearing these really tight short-shorts in public and people look at her funny. I'm not sure if I should tell her or not. What do you think?

Signed,
FRIEND OF FANNY

Dear Albrecht: VII

Albrecht Soothspitz, b. 1327

I know everyone has been wondering where Albrecht has been. Millions, across the world (or, at least Nick, Shane and Zach from New Jersey) have been pining for another installment. Well, here it is, my friends. He has taken especially long to get through this batch of letters. He' s been up all hours of the night in his hermitage in the woods behind my house. I asked him why the light is always on an he muttered something about ending the financial crisis by converting iron into gold. Anyhoo, enjoy.

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Dear Albrecht:

My wife is on the computer all day, every day. On the weekends, she gets up and gets on Facebook and stays there all day. When the work week comes, she comes home and gets on the computer after dinner and uses it until way after I am in bed. If I wake up when she comes to bed, she picks up her iPhone and gets on Twitter with it, as if to ward me off, in case I get frisky. What should I do?

Signed,
IGNORED

Dear Albrecht VI

 

Albrecht Soothspitz (b. 1347)


Three cheers and a canon-blast! Albrecht is back with another exciting batch of wisdom-encrusted confections that are destined to delight and fortify the lost minds of this lost world. Albrecht has spent the past few months earning a PhD in Economics from Wharton Business school. I kid you not. He's that smart. Enjoy, O seekers of wisdom.

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Dear Albrecht:

When you lived in the Middle Ages, how the heck did you entertain yourself? My cable has been out for two days because of the recent storms and I am about to impale myself on a steak-knife. If I didn't have my iPhone, I would be dead by now. I mean, what did you do -- look at trees and stuff? It must have sucked.

Signed,
DE-CABLED