Monday, September 10, 2012

On Earning One's Eternal Rest

I've managed -- despite having read lots of books, and despite, in the course of my formal studies, having been submerged in a sea of sideways-smiling intellectuals who think me rather quaint -- to have held on to my faith in God.

That faith has evolved, for sure. My concept of God has become more and more complex as I have grown. I've long since left behind the simplistic perspective that many hold on to until their deaths. But, it is nice to go backward, if only for the sake of exploring an idea. So, let's look at it this way:

I hope, when I see God some day -- hopefully after a good many years (Father forgive me, because I do love this world) -- he will give me the thumbs-up, because I tend to wonder if I have made the right choices. 

I toss and turn about it. I really do. I live under a set of self-imposed standards that make things difficult as hell, at times.

I've heard a whole bunch of movie-lines and sermon-lines and wide-eyed whispers in the midst of three a.m. conversations that urged me to throw myself into music. Some of the sermons and one particular parable even imply that not doing so, having been given at least some talents, is a kind of affront to my creator. And even without the words of others buzzing in my ears, I give myself enough to wonder about, even outside of music; each choice; each move; each direction and motivation comes with its own set of doubts, doesn't it? Everything I do. 

What if I have been screwing up from sunrise to bedtime? -- from the womb to this Sunday-night living room. 

Well, sticking the standard image of Yaweh, I hope, rather than shaking his head like a disappointed parent, that, when my great gettin'-up-day comes, at least, he puts an hand on my shoulder, if I have screwed up, and that he says: "You made a rotten mess of things, Chris, but you tried -- I know you really tried. Rest, now."

I really am trying. If nothing else, I hope he knows that.

One things for sure: by the time you get there, if you were working hard enough, you really do need "eternal rest."

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