Friday, June 5, 2020

A Benevolent Letter From Warren Schmegiggie: CEO of Widgets-4-U, Inc.

W. Schmegiggie
Hi. I’m Warren Schmegiggie.

Here at Widgets-4-U, we are saddened by what we see going on in America today. Well, not really by what is going on, so much, but by what it is doing to our bottom line and by the fact that all the other companies are writing letters like this. So now we have to. I suppose we also should suspend sales for a day or something; maybe shift production to #blacklivesmatter T-shirts. We’ll see what the other companies do.

Anyway, we want you to know that silence makes you a racist, so we are speaking up. I know a white guy who dedicates his life to helping troubled black kids, but...NOT ONE POST. I guess we all see the truth now, eh? Dissembler. 

In short, we hire black people sometimes. And we love them. One is even a shift supervisor. 

Sure, we’ll be glad when this stuff isn’t in the news anymore and we can go back to just making money, but, for now, we are all united in the cause.

So, for God’s sake, do something. I mean, don’t, like, go anywhere if you don't feel like it... But say you are heartbroken a lot. If you can, get a stick hit and yourself on the back with it while chanting about your sins of white privlege. People like that, and it really, really helps things.

And, take my advice: Whatever is done in the protests, don’t complain; you'll dull the edge. If we learned one thing from this, it’s that the only way to defeat hate is with hate. The only way to get back at police is to burn down a Chinese restaurant. It's simple logic. If I may quote Dr. King: “Eff the police...and egg rolls, too, while I’m at it!”

And the police? Well, I'm no Roger Murtaugh ["I'm too old for this s$#t;" I love that guy!] but I have seen a few movies in my day. The best way to avoid a riot is to show up dressed for war. It's worked all this time, so why stop? Bottom line is police have been avoiding riots for years by showing up in full war gear. If it ain't broke...

What I am trying to say is we can get through this as long as the media doesn’t focus on snowflake nonsense like the peaceful teamwork of police and protesters in Camden, NJ and in Flint, Michigan. A bunch of morons walking together and being civilized to each other. Yeah, that's going to get a lot done. That's going to change things. Sure.

Anyway, one thing I know is that the only way for us to heal is to intimidate one another. So, let the tear gas fly and let the stores be looted! In the end we all will have learned who's the toughest and the toughest is always the happiest, if you ask me.

And, please, when this is all over, buy our widgets. (If I left anything out or said anything that is racist without knowing it, please don't be mad. It's hard to keep up with what is okay anymore.)

Warm Regards,
Warren Schmegiggie,
CEO of Widgets-4-U: Widgets for the Future!

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