Friday, November 26, 2010

The Men and Women of the TSA, Uncovered

(This ran Wednesday at When Falls the Coliseum, as well, but what the heck.)

I've got it! The solution is nigh. Listen carefully, everyone.

So, everyone is bent out of shape by the TSA's naughty little scanners. And for derned good reason. By this point, you have read enough Internet rants and debates about the issues, so I won't get into the fine points in detail here, but many of them are based on invasion of privacy, implication of guilt, etc. Maybe there is no way out of this. Maybe there is no way out of getting scanned and/or groped in airports. Fine. Here's how we make it fair (and maybe pleasant).

We will create a book -- a beautiful, coffee-table book entitled The Men and Women of the TSA, Uncovered. Within, there will be explicit, nude pictures of every TSA official and of every scanner operator in the country. No names -- just artistic, glossy shots by, say, a Playboy photographer. Each person who is subjected to a scan will receive a free copy of this book afterward. Then, we can all randomly decide to look at those who can randomly decide to look at us naked. Brilliant! But here's the best part: the centerfold will be President Obama -- a big, fold-out page. Naked as the day he was born. (After all, a general who supports the battle-plan ought to be willing to wade into the fray, no?)

Sure, the books will cost a lot, but who's keeping track?

Anyone who opts for the pat-down then gets to turn around and pat down the pat-downer. Just to even things up. And men ought to be able to opt for female pat-downers; women for men -- or whatever one prefers -- just to make the process both fair and enjoyable: "Sir -- is that a . . . oh, sorry." [Man grins and wiggles eyebrows.]

I see no possible objections to this. TSA workers and officials ought to be willing to give up their privacy in the interest of safety and social harmony. It's for the lives of the innocent that I propose this and for the salving of moral wounds.

You're welcome, America.

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