Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I'm Bringin' Shunning Back

hat do you say we try something? Shunning. Let's drag it out of the shadows of religious sects and use it with the media. Here's what we will do:

If someone is annoying, immoral or damaging to those around him, all of the news media shall be in agreement: he will be shunned. This means the offender will have no time on air, in print or online for the rest of his natural life. Think of the problems it would solve! No time wasted on the time-wasters and evildoers means the news media will now be free to deal with important things, like the search for answers and the truth behind important stuff. Quality broadcasting and reporting might actually ensue.

Who would be shunned?

Terrorists, for one. Imagine how ineffective they would be if no one ever reported their actions on television, on the Internet or in the print media. I can just picture them stomping around in a cave somewhere, complaining to each other that "the good old days" when a suicide bomb mission "got the recognition it deserved" are in the past -- a better time, when terrorism was a dignified and glorious business.

Oh, and stupid bastards would be shunned. They thrive only by being stupid bastards who get attention, so we need to take that away and they shall lose their raison d'etre -- or, at least, their raison d'being on TV. Lindsay Lohan, for instance. And the Paris Hilton. The cast of "Bad Girls" and "The Jersey Shore". Charlie Sheen -- people like that.

I know this all sounds judgemental. That's because it is. I would be happy to take on the burden of deciding who deserves to be shunned for the offense of "stupid-bastardness". I love my fellow humans that much. I'll make a list right now, if you like. Stupid bastards waste air time, paper and bandwidth. Let's use the breathing room to talk about important stuff.

And Tom Cruise. I'd shun him for being a vacuous oaf. Not a stupid bastard, quite. But he is a vacuous oaf. I like the guy, but he hops on talk show furniture and grins like a jack-o-lantern. He needs to be shunned. If I have to see his vacuous grin in high-definition one more time, I might possibly become cross injure my poor dog in an insane, angry whirl. (She will probably forgive me. Sometimes a guy has to vent. Come to think of it, she is also a vacuous oaf, but it works on her.)

The last inclusive category will be media whores in the guise of statement-makers. Again, I will humbly take full responsibility for deciding who fits here. But we will start with any pretentious fop-star (clears throat -- Lady Gaga) who wears meat and then can't give a coherent answer as to what she "meant" by it:
Well, it’s certainly no disrespect to anyone that’s vegan or vegetarian….I, as you know, am the most judgment-free human being on Earth. However, it has many interpretations — but for me this evening it’s that if we don’t stand up for what we believe in, if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re gonna have as much rights as the meat on our bones. AND [holds up Japanese Vogue] I am not a piece of meat.

(By the way, people cheered for that answer. How can one argue with the masses? By shunning and not allowing people like the astute Ms. Gaga to bewitch them with her ridiculous confidence and her copious, hypnotic, sparkly sparkles.)

We can use this site as a hub. Let's get shunning. Please leave your suggestions below and I will contact my people on the inside. Together, we can launch an Internet-wide courtesy flush that will clear the methane stench of these media cloggers out of the restroom called Planet Earth. Judgemental curmudgeons, unite!

WHADDYAYOU THINK? Who do we shun first? Why?