Monday, March 23, 2015

Finally! Ready-Made Posts for Social Media Users!

The way I see it, there are lots of wasted words out here in Internet Land, especially on Facebook and on Twitter. We must fix this. We haven't time to cobble together so many posts -- to say so many similar things in so many different ways. To this end, I have created this handy-dandy list of copy and paste-able posts. Instead of posting what you were thinking of posting, ask yourself: "Am I really just saying one of these things?" If so, simply copy and past from the list below! It will save you time; it will save me time and it will allow you to get quickly back to the truly important pursuits in your life.

I present to you THE GREAT, BIG LIST OF EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA POST EVER MADE. (Please feel free to suggest new ones if I have missed any. Together, we can end unnecessary word-waste!)


1. I look good, here.

2. I have a sandwich and you don’t.

3. I'm watching the game alone. 

4. Look how exciting my life is. (It's always like this, in case you wondered. Every minute.)

5. Aren’t I sweet?

6. Reposting this meme will actually, literally cure disease/save your soul/make you not an ass/prove you are a good friend.

7. If you don’t share this, you are a horrible person.

8. If you don't share this, God will hate you. 

9. I am a great parent, as you can see from this picture/anecdote.

10a. Thanks, Obama.

10b. Thanks, Obama!

11. I am racist and don’t realize it.

12. I am racist and I don’t care.

13. See how socially tolerant I am? You may begin praising me, below. 

14. Please, please, please ask me what’s wrong.

15. Ready, set...ARGUE!

16. I have no respect for my own children/husband/wife/mother/father.

17. Here's something about me no one in their right mind would want to know and that they wouldn't ever have known if someone hadn't invented social media and, consequently, the concept of privacy hadn't reached a state of complete collapse. 

18. Somehow, I have equated patriotism with never questioning anything “American,” even though countless people suffered and died for the right to do so. So, shut up or get out. 

19. My thoughts on this subject are (Fox News).

20. My thoughts on this subject are (The Daily Show).

21. So, what do you love about me? 

22. I have nothing to say, yet I must speak...because...Facebook. 

23. I must horribly argue about complex issues...because...Twitter.

24. Here is a meme that exhibits how misunderstood/quirky/unique/sassy I am.

25. I can't sleep and I want you to know because artsy people and geniuses have insomnia and that's me. 

I mean, if you have something original to say, go ahead and say it, but, really...why bother?

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