Dear Albrecht VIII

Albrecht Soothspitz, b. 1347

He has returned! That master sayer-of-sooth; that sculptor of philosophical fantasticness; the man with the inside scoop on all things social, internal and think-aboutable: Albrecht. I know it has been awhile, but you wouldn't believe how hard it is to convince Homeland Security that the guy living in the woods behind your house is really a philosopher from the fourteenth century. They wanted to "send him back." Needless to say, that is a pretty tall order. So after much negotiating, phone-calling and the painting of a few sweaty governmental palms, old Albrecht now is an official American citizen. This, of course, has sent him on a binge of American gluttony. I have never seen a human being devour so many hot dogs in my life. And now he's into  football, so we had to get him a satellite dish for his hovel. Dude never leaves the woods now, and getting him to answer your letters has been tough...but, here is the next installment for which the world has waited...
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Dear Albrecht:

My friend Alice has the biggest butt I have ever seen. She's like an upside-down mushroom with legs. I almost expect her hips to go "ding-dong" when she walks. I swear the tides get stronger when she is at the beach. Just plain massive. A pair of white pants on her, some popcorn and a projector, and we could open up a drive-in movie theater. I can't even have her out in the garden for tea because the prolonged butt-clipse she causes withers my daylilies. In short, she could rent herself out to movie companies as a cushion for stuntmen who have to jump out of buildings.

The problem is that she has been wearing these really tight short-shorts in public and people look at her funny. I'm not sure if I should tell her or not. What do you think?

Signed,
FRIEND OF FANNY


Dear FRIEND:

I have to admit, you have gotten me feeling a little randy. That said, your friend seems quite proud of her buttocks. What I suggest is that the next time people look at her rump with disdain, that you hit them with something blunt and heavy. (In my day, a good club or a mace would have done.) This will stop people from judging your delicious-sounding friend. 

Now you have me thinking of my old girlfriend, Holgreth. There was a rump. I believe the twenty-first century term is...ah...BOO-TAY! No?

Albrecht.
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Dear Albrecht:

I am engaged to be married to a man who has previously been married. By his first wife, he had three kids, Ted, Nancy and Ted. (Not sure what the story is there.) Anyway, when we get married, we want to have kids. I know he is a dedicated father, because he flies back to California twice a year to see his children, even though he had to leave them for a better job in our state. But I wonder if he will be as dedicated to our kids as he is to Ted, Nancy and Ted. What advice can you offer?

Signed,
FERTILE AND READY TO ROCK

Dear FERTILE:

So, I'm trying to figure out how moving away from your kids for a better job works out to dedication. I mean, I'm starting to get used to certain things in this century -- like, yogurt, reality TV, artificial breasts, Nutella and Lady Gaga, for instance -- and I understand that people think of eternal marital commitment as a pretty disposable thing, but a father leaving his children, I just do not fathom. 

In my opinion, you should either leave or, preferably, poison this self-centered, tickle-brained coxcomb. (Poisoning him will leave the kids free to find a less anemic role-model, so consider it -- I know a good mountebank who cranks out one doozey of a hellish unction, if you need a contact.) 

Albrecht.
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Dear Albrecht:

Dog or cat?

Signed,
PET PERPLEXED

Dear PERPLEXED,

A lot depends on what wine and side-dishes you will be serving. I'd need more information to offer solid epicurean advice. 

Albrecht.
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Dear Albrecht:

I'm a bisexual man who wants to get married to my male partner, Barry. Barry and I really want to have children, so we have asked our lesbian friend, Lola, (she's actually Barry's cousin) if she will be a surrogate mother for our child. Barry is okay with my sleeping with Susan until I get her pregnant, so no problem there. What I would like is to get your opinion on a) the legality, involved -- what we need to do to assure custody of the child, should Lola decide to change her mind about giving the child up and b) the emotional side. Do you have any advice for us to prepare for the emotional demands of our prospective situation? Please let me know what you think.

Signed,
ABOUT TO GET BIZAY

Dear BIZAY:

I don't even know what the hell you are talking about. 

Albrecht.
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Dear Albrecht:

I am in the middle of a big argument with my husband, with Halloween coming up. I am a devout believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. My husband goes to church with me and he believes, as well, but he is not as devoted as I am. I feel that Halloween is an affront to the Lord Our God. I don't want our ten and twelve-year-old sons to go out and trick-or-treat because I know Jesus will be angry or insulted if we give credence to this pagan holiday. I know you come from a time -- the Middle Ages -- when people had deep beliefs in God. I'm looking for a little backup here. My husband loves your advice column, so it would help.

Signed,
AFRAID OF HELL

Dear AFRAID,

I'm not sure where you neo-Christians are going with things. In my day, covens of witches were making stew out of seventh sons of seventh sons and sacrificing two-headed newts to Hecate by moonlight on All Hallow's Eve in the shadowed forests outside of Stankburgen. Exorcist priests  bravely walked the streets by torchlight listening for demonic groans from beds and bowers so they could pit the power of Christ against Satan's minions. 

And you are bent out of shape that your kids want to dress up as Mutant Ninja Turtles and collect candy in a pillow case? Next thing you know, you'll be picketing funerals or something. 

I don't know. It seems to me Jesus would swell with a feeling of deepest love, seeing His little ones merrily bounding about the neighborhood in silly costumes. But, I don't want to presume to say what He would think. That's your job, I imagine. 

Albrecht.
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Dear Albrecht,

What's your favorite sit-com?

Signed,
CURIOUS

Dear CURIOUS,

All's Well That Ends Well. (But I like Frasier, too.)

Albrecht.